The Journey Within

If you call forth what is in you it will save you.
If you do not call forth what is in you,
it will destroy you.

~ Gospel of Saint Thomas

An acquaintance of mine, Irene Bilton of White Rose Wellness, recently posted the above passage on her FaceBook Page. Although I am not new to this quote (I pinned it up on my desk wall many years ago), the timing of her post was perfect. Not only did it relate so well to how I am feeling these days but it is the subject I have wanted to write about for the last few weeks. Kind of nice to get a boost, or opening sentence, from an unexpected source.

Just under two years ago I started a morning routine. Every day, just at waking, I ask the parts of myself—aspects of my personality—that I am not in full relationship with to come home. The words have varied over these many months but the intention remains the same: I want to become more aware and more accepting of who I am… all of who I am and not just the more tolerable aspects of me. And I am sure you know the parts of self I am talking about: the ones that embarrass, irritate and even humiliate us. Yeah, those ones.

The thing is these parts that seem to shame us are aspects of our self that we don’t really know or quite understand. They are like work friends, the kind we share a third of our life but probably would never take home to dinner. These parts create uncomfortable feelings within us because they tend to arise and make themselves known when we least expect it. For example, I have always been impulsive. At best, I take creative risks and, at worst, I put my foot in my mouth and hurt people. It is not all of who I am but is definitely a part of me. Moreover, I have always known this about myself; I just didn’t have a strong enough relationship with it to hold it in check at the appropriate times.  When I finally did explore this impulsive part—got to know it better, why it took over like it did and what it hoped to accomplish with its deeds—I realized it was just a part of myself that felt neglected and wanted to be noticed. So, now I take leadership over that part—re-parent it, so to speak— and give it the healthy attention it desires. I deepened our relationship. I got to know its ins and outs and whys and wherefores so much so that this part now trusts me to take care of its needs. In other words, this impulsive part doesn’t surprise me (as much) in those times when I am so wanting to come across as calm and reflective.  Indeed.

I’ve been consciously working with my internal parts for sixteen years, ever since I started training as an ARC BodyMind Therapist. But some parts of our self—our proverbial blind spots, as it were— are really ingenious at hiding out. Our friends and colleagues may see them and we may even get glimpses of them but these parts are elusive and tend to wisp away on the slightest breeze when we try getting a closer look. These aspects of our personality are usually formed in childhood as a way of coping with life. As such they tend to be quite independent after years of success and are not too open to change. These parts, therefore, need time and patience and, most importantly, safety to let themselves not only be known but be guided under new management, i.e. our true Self. (For more info on parts check out this article, The Community Within, or come for a BodyMind Session.)

Perhaps it is not so coincidental then that a month or so after initiating my morning routine, I took on a minimum wage job as a cashier—the lowest of low in the big box pecking order. I have written much about those initial days (see blog postings from May – July 2012) but in summary I probably learned more about myself in these past two years than, well, maybe in all my life and yes, not all of it has been pleasant. In fact, most was not as I was reintroduced to parts of myself that didn’t appreciate the position I had put myself in. But I got through. Most of what I learned was to smile at myself and forgive my foibles; to smile with others while letting go of my attachment to their foibles, and to open my heart while being patient and accepting when it wouldn’t budge on demand. I continue to learn these lessons ever day; some days they sink in better than others but I am okay with that. It is just the way it is.

Then, this fall, I was gifted again. After 18 months of stating my intentions and asking for my parts to come home several deeply entrenched and relatively unconscious parts did just that.  The most dramatic came in a dream as I watched from above the metaphoric sufferings of someone held in a retched prison. In waking my first thought was that I had been given a sign or a message that these were the type of people with whom I should be working. It took a few minutes for me to realize that the protagonist of my dream was, indeed, a part of myself. Sigh. I have since let that part out of “jail” and work with her, this part, that is, daily. In other words, I am taking better care of myself in a way I hadn’t thought possible (or even knew was needed).

I tell you these things because not only is life more interesting when we have a stronger relationship with all aspects of who we are but that it takes time and commitment to do so. There is no quick path to inner awareness—it is a life-long journey. I had no idea back in February 2011 what would come of my morning prayer or how long it would take but I am so very grateful and blessed that I stuck with it.

I end with a poem I posted in October.

Folk ask me
how it goes with my life:
What’s new, they say, what’s happening?

I shrug. Same old.

How can one describe
the changes within,
the writhing, tumultuous ride
I find myself on?

What can I say of the trust I feel—

that it is all good
and sound naïve,
or express doubt and
betray my confusion?

My body ferments with risk

of turning sour
like milk gone bad or expired juice.
I am not ready for this. Instead
I throw away the moldy jam and
toss the black spotted greens.

I wash the shelves with vinegar, acetic and pure.

I eat plain. 

This once barren field

is transforming. No longer fallow,
no longer carefully cultivated
the wild yeast within me grows.
Pregnant with life:
fertile, abundant, alive.

As it was meant to be.



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A Paean to Magic

The trees hold magic.

Weaving a spell they walk me down the path,

opening new ones and closing the old.

I lose my way and breathe in the confusion;

my heart takes lead. Magic lives.

My feet trod on rock alive for millions of years:

Their song stirs my soul; its poetry enlivens my breath. I am blessed with strong legs and a heart that beats to nature’s rhythm.   Magic is forever.

Friends listen to my stories. My mother, long past, embraces my heart and my son tells of his love. Magic thrives.

My muse dances on fingers tips and words awaken on the page; the moon, no more than a breath, tilts slightly to the right and the gull trills her family home.  Magic creates.

Bare branches limn the blushing peach sky as the first star says goodnight. I give thanks for the many blessing both quiet and bold while soft darkness  blankets my soul. Magic is life.

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The Mosaic of Life

   It begins in our centre — the core; our diamond ... and takes flight

meandering, circling; inevitably journeying down to its roots

 where it all began ...inchoate among the jewels.

      

The path transforms as it weaves around, skips over and crosses back

                                         

 returning to centre, as all paths do...

a coming home to Self.

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The Business of Creativity

I like reading other blogs. They give me ideas, for sure, but more than that, they illuminate areas of life I don’t usually contemplate. One of the regular sites I go to is The Good Typist. Recently Ms Typist was too sick to write. Instead she provided a link to an article, Inside the Box: People Actually Don’t Like Creativity. That led me to another article, one by Barry Staw which, in turn, led me to write this blog. And who knows were that will lead? Hence the beauty of creativity. This article, however, explores another aspect of this social construct.

Barry Staw, a researcher at the University of California–Berkeley business school, writes that most businesses, let alone individuals, choose not to be creative when faced with the inherent risks of innovative thought. For individuals this may include obsessive and anti-social behaviour, non-conformity and sacrifice.  For businesses the risks are slightly different and tend to be of greater magnitude because of the financial commitment.  Creative people tend to rock the boat as they push against traditional hierarchical infrastructure. This can make life uncomfortable for investors as well as colleagues who just want to do their work and go home.

Staw lists five reasons why most business managers shy away from creative innovation.

First, instead of the normal recruitment process in which people are brought in who have the skills needed by the firm and the values it admires, innovative companies must let down the barriers. They must accommodate those whose skills are more peripheral and whose goals are suspect.

I remember applying for work as a bank teller. I knew I was out of my league when the interviewer described their average client as anything but average. You know the kind: wealthy with high expectations for efficiency, service and kowtowing. Knowledge, however, does not always breed common sense. When the interviewer asked how I dealt with conflict I chose to tell him of an incident from my Downtown Eastside days—working with a strung-out cocaine addict who found offence in something I had said. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.  His loss or, better said, the bank’s loss. I imagine the example I gave was not far off from dealing with a mulit-millionaire who finds a minute mistake in his service charges and wants his money NOW. An addict is an addict regardless of the substance.

Second, instead of socializing new members of the organization to absorb the values and cultures of the firm, the innovative corporation must encourage people not to listen, or listen to hard. There is nothing that kills innovation like everyone speaking in the same voice, even If it’s a well trained voice

This takes me back years ago when the first McDonald’s appeared in Kitsilano. Several of us from high school, possibly ten altogether, went in to apply for work. We sat in a group and waited for our turn to be interviewed. One by one, we got up, talked to the manager and got hired. Everyone, that is, except yours truly. Not sure what it was unless you count the moment when my sense of the ridiculousness interrupted the interview. The manager was telling me in an oh-so-very sincere voice about the cleanliness and all out wonder that was his McDonald’s when I started to smile. I tried to hide it but the damage was done. McDonald’s loss.  Just think, I could have been a millionaire corporate CEO now telling others how fantastic and healthy a QuarterPounder (with cheese) truly is. I’d smile while saying it, too.

Third, instead of issuing directives and policy statements and hoping they will be obeyed, innovative firms must encourage disobedience. In fact, those in power must go so far as to encourage active opposition. Innovative organizations are ones that harbor multiple perspectives and objectives ….

Irony rules the day on this one. I find the more rules, directives and policies, the more disregard there is: an unintentional boon to inspired creativity. I once worked for a company that loved issuing directives. These golden words would regularly appear on the bulletin board … or in the washroom stalls where they would certainly be read by a captive audience. Funny enough, these commandments from above usually resulted in what Staw desired out of creative organizations: disobedience. One policy read that because of employee abuse (and negative effects to customer service) coffee breaks would be reduced from fifteen minutes to ten AND if further abuse continued, would be omitted altogether. The outcome of this, of course, was total rebellion: coffee breaks lengthened to 20 minutes. Customers never noticed because the reason why the service was problematic in the first place was the cost saving practices of the company in cutting floor staff. Five minutes here or there made no difference what so ever. Excepting, of course, for the instigation of multiple objectives and extra time for creative thinking.

Fourth, instead of striving for lower cost and efficiency, innovative companies must strive for adaptiveness. They need to have excess capacity and personal devoted to seemingly meaningless ventures. Because innovation requires investing in losers as well as winners, adaptive firms must be prepared to follow several competing designs simultaneously, and move through a sequence of product alternatives before setting on a single course of action

One company I worked for was the champion of meaningless ventures and support for competing designs.  Unfortunately, the creative benefits of adaptiveness  was lost in this formula but hey, they got it two-thirds right. As a building supply/general store we sold spray bottles. And, as in most places, staff could not just take an item off the shelf for business use, a certain protocol was necessary. So, a request for a spray bottle was submitted to be used as a cleaning aid. Two weeks goes by. In follow-up I am told by the powers that be that “we are still pricing the sprayers for the best buy ... you should have two bottles before tomorrow.” Sure enough, two such bottles did arrive that afternoon… from another store. Need I say more?

Finally, to be truly innovative, firms must be industry leaders rather than followers. They must stick their necks out on unknown products and technologies, not knowing if they will be successes or failures…. They must pursue products that often appear more folly than wisdom.

I have a Hentemann cartoon sitting on my desk. It is a picture of Santa, in full regalia, sitting with his mom and dad at the dinner table. Santa’s mom asks: Don’t you think what you’re doing is a little strange?

The same question could be asked of me (and certainly some of my family and friends do ask it). On first glance, you see, what I do is a little strange. People come to my office and lie on my massage table. With my hands on or off their fully clothed body, I run energy while asking questions.  The method evokes a body-based response rather than a head-based one or, in other words, one the client thinks they should feel. A little strange, yes, but also, like Santa, quite magical in its effectiveness. Clients leave my sessions with a clearer picture of who they are, paths they want to take, and a sense of relief in coming home to themselves. The work does not yet provide me with financial success. For that reason alone it may seem like more folly than wisdom but I don’t really care. My BodyMind practice provides me with a deep satisfaction and gratitude in knowing I am doing some good in this world. Not so ridiculous, this folly.

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