Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Miserable Day

I had one absolutely awful day at my part-time job last week. It happened despite the fact that I took care of my needs the morning of, meditated before leaving and was quiet relaxed on route. All I know is that as soon as I arrived I wanted to leave or, to be more exact, cancel the day. Customers and colleagues seemed insufferable, time dragged on, fatigue dogged my heels, I hated my job, everything felt meaningless and, on top of it, my ego got trashed when someone from my distant past came in with a “Jo-Ann … is that you?” I was misery defined. And, even though I am well versed in numerous techniques for getting back to a centred space ... and while I also knew my indulgence was merely perpetuating the mood, I just couldn’t motivate myself to change—it just seemed so futile and, most of all, too much work.
An ex coworker, who has since moved on to greener pastures, came in to do some shopping. He asked how I was. I told him the truth. He nodded sagely and said: well, at least you have a job. I gave him the gimlet eye and replied back: no philosophical statements, no moral aphorisms or platitudes, please. I have not the patience or the tolerance. He was slightly taken aback before acknowledging his faux pas with an apologetic smile. He’d been there before.
In fact, we have all been there. Oh, there are people who never admit to having days like this but eventually it shows: the unconscious mannerisms, the physical ticks, the stress upon certain words and, most of all, the intolerance for others who are having a bad day.
I am thankful that the days where no amount of knowing how good I have it (and I know I have an excellent life especially compared to probably 80% of the world’s population) are few and far between but they do come. What happens on those days is that I lose my self leadership, abdicate self responsibility, forget about interdependence and wallow in self pity. I understand the truth in this but I also accept my humanness and know (sometimes) when it’s time to let go.
So I surrendered. I let the day be miserable. And then I let life and all its tumultuous feelings do what they do best: change.
The next day dawned bright and true.
I was back.

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